The following is not for everyone. In any hot controversy there are two kinds of people: people who want to hear what they already think, and people who just want it straight. Come what may. This is for the latter.
Disclaimer: there are a million things men (including myself) don’t understand about women. I’m giving you the guy perspective because it’s the one I know. Ok, let’s move on.
I recently read a piece by a young woman about growing up an awkward loner, who guys paid no attention to; and slowly becoming a “hot girl”. She describes how even though guys now pay her attention, their interest never lasts.
This brings us to controversial truth #1:
Men can fully separate liking you as a person and wanting to sleep with you.
Men have absolutely no problem wanting to have sex with a person they do not like. When their visual system gets going, they can fully turn off concerns of “yeah but who is she deep down as a person?” or “what’s this action going to do to where we’ll end up?” Those are problems for future us. In fact, you could argue that the appeal of sex is the way it removes all other thoughts. This is precisely why religions push so hard to make men not go with their every whim. To make short term brain obedient to long term brain. But to a non-religious, high achieving man, such speed bumps do not exist.
She is aware of this and mentions it directly:
If you are as attractive as everyone reminds you in your now halcyon days then you must be (being) rejected for who you really are.
Well, yes and no. The truth is both kinder and more offensive than she realizes. The problem isn’t that she’s broken or even that her personality is unlovable or any of that. The problem is who she’s going after, and which aspect of herself she’s presenting.
Let’s start with the who.
If the guy you’re going after is an amoral, Machiavellian shark, don’t even worry about winning him over. He is going to keep using people and spitting them out until one day his youthful strength begins to fade, and his newfound weakness opens him up to the idea that maybe there’s more to life than narcissistic domination. Some (not all) very successful men are in their position precisely because they lack the slowing effects of basic humanity. They are a viciously efficient weapon. They are not a husband.
With that out of the way, let’s move on to a scenario where the guy is actually decent by all accounts; he embodies some of the raw competence of the Machiavellian, but it’s subordinated to higher things like the good, the true, the beautiful. Yet his interest falls away. Why?
Which side are you showing?
The writer’s (and our culture’s) misunderstanding is never more clear than in this passage:
But when they dump you what are you to make of it? I'll tell you what I make of it. I think if I am as attractive as they tell me then it must be that they don’t see me as their equal. I am not clever or eloquent enough. They are probably out there committing to a woman with a real career. Maybe one who makes six figures, or who has a book deal. Definitely not a woman who writes blogs like these and posts them publicly on the internet for all to bear witness to her shame.
To say this misses the mark is like saying Mars is not a fruit. A less accurate understanding of the male mind could hardly be imagined.
This brings us to controversial truth #2:
Men don’t want to marry a competitor and that doesn’t make them a tyrant.
Men feel loved when they feel useful. Men make themselves useful to win the admiration of a woman. Without women 80-90% of male motivation disappears. Outside of winning a woman’s heart, It’s not obvious to a man why status or achievement is worth a damn thing.
If, after developing himself for years and years, after hyping himself up to get out there and date, You signal to him what a ruthless, powerful competitor you are, you are communicating to him that his usefulness is not seen, needed, or wanted. You have not only invalidated all the years he’s spent to be seen as worthy by you, you’ve rejected the deepest core of his nature.
His surface may be hip, but his core is trad.
A man’s desire to provide and protect is like a cat who brings you a dead bird. He’s saying “Look! I did the thing I know how to do! Aren’t you proud?” If you shame him he won’t spontaneously develop a new essential nature. He’ll just get sad and stay inside.
“Are you saying men are drawn to weakness?”
No. Men are drawn to tenderness. I celebrate the wide variety of people and how different each of our lives is. I’m not saying you need to change your personality. Be who God made you. But just as skin triggers the part of men which desires sex, tenderness triggers the part which desires marriage, children, & grandchildren. It is the eternal beauty men cherish in women. Even if it constitutes a small fraction of your personality, delight in it, don’t snuff it out.
Nothing to disagree with and lots that resonates with me. Very cool
As a married woman, I totally agree with you, and some points are really well written.
I made these observations about men myself little by little. We don't have the same way to function and to see life, but it should be respected and understood and taken into account by both parts.
I find this complementarity so beautiful, thanks to God